The Gift of Presence

I know that a lot of you have been worried about my pooch, so here's an update. She's stable at the moment, but she's not eating or drinking. She's had pretty bad poop problems over the last few days, and some of it involved blood. I've managed to stop the pooping, and she's on a new medication for her stomach and gastrointestinal tract.

She's also severely dehydrated, so I'm giving her subcutaneous fluids twice a day via IV (yes, i administer myself - the needles are quite large and scary looking, but they don't bother her at all). Most of the time she can't get up on her own, so I have to pick her up. Once up, she can wobble around until it's time to lay down again.

She is still wagging her tail. She is still alert and interested in life. She has not yet given up, so I can't, either.

On the positive side, the concept of one day changing diapers is no longer something that instills fear in me. On the contrary, after cleaning up countless gobs of stuff that seemed to come from HELL via my dog's butt, I laugh at simple, ordinary baby poop. Actually, it's sort of a quiet, smug chuckle, but still. You get the point.

Birthday update. I was actually pretty sad last night. I went over to my ex-wife's place to pick up some medical supplies for the dog, and I witnessed a happy little domestic scene with her and her boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her, and I'm glad that she's happy. I just miss the little daily aspects of love, the word play, the inside jokes, the glances, all of it. I had that with her at one point. I don't want it with her again, I'm done and I've moved past that. I DO miss that feeling, though. There's a quiet joy and strength that comes from that sort of intimate connection, and I want it again. Seeing it, and thinking about my current situation just made me sad.

But I'm feeling better today. I woke to a phone call from The Girl, and we had a good talk. My co-workers gave me a cake, a starbucks card, and a napkin that said PARTY on it. They forgot the party hats, so I put the napkin on my head so they wouldn't feel bad. So far, it's been a pretty good day.

I'm glad for what I have.

I'm a lucky boy, and I know it.