Gasoline Hobo

HoboTV

2008-07-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that the world needs more reality TV shows. It has also occurred to me that the hobo is severely underrepresented on the national airwaves. Therefore, I have decided to "shop around" my idea, which I have tentatively titled "Who Wants to Lick a Hobo?"

I'm thinking that it'll be like The Bachelor, but with medical personnel standing by in case of infection. There could be little games to weed out the weak...like "Would You Eat That?", "Build a Lint Fort" and "Bindlestick Beatdown". Maybe we could even do a "Fingerless Glove Fashion Show"! Or a documentary about how rat is the lobster of the ghetto! The possibilities are endless!

June Verdict: Not Too Shabby

2008-06-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy month! I turned 33! This did not bother me. The grey hairs on my head, in my nose, and on my nipple (how rude) do not bother me. The fact that I'm closer to exiting the 28-35 section of the demographic does not bother me. Hell, I'm not even bothered by the fact that my Dad was 33 when I was born. My biological clock is not ticking. No, the thing that bothers me is that my body is starting to protest. Not much, just a little bit, but it's noticeable.

For example, my right shoulder has always been problematic. As EVERYONE I KNOW can attest to, it's prone to crack like a gunshot at the slightest provocation. Now it's getting crankier and doing it at even MORE inopportune times. I was at Starbucks a while back, ordering my drink. I reach back to pull out my wallet, and BANG - my shoulder announces its presence. The girl behind the counter, I kid you not, jumped a little, then said "Daaaaaang", while giving me the googly eye, maybe wondering if my arm was going to fall off or something. I could only grin weakly, make a crack about AARP, and shuffled away to a corner to await my daily dose of sweet caffeinated chocolatey nectar.

I've discovered that I can't really ignore my body as much as I used to. I can't, for example, hold a 7 pound camera up to my eyeball for 8 hours straight and expect to NOT be in a significant amount of pain the next day. I should probably work out or something. Can't I just drink smoothies instead? Smoothies are good for you, right?

In other news, my partner and I shot a wedding earlier this month, and it was loads of fun. I took 3610 photos, which is sort of a mind-boggling number. On the one hand, it's good that I didn't miss much, but on the other hand, NOW I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THEM.

Oh, and I got a little pal for my birthday. On the evening of my birthday, The Girl huffed and puffed her way up three flights of stairs, rang my doorbell, and handed me a huge box. Turns out it was a three story rat cage!

I've wanted a rat for a while now, but I kept putting it off because it seemed like it was a bit too soon. But Maisie died almost exactly 2 years ago, and she'd probably give me a stern look if she knew I was holding off on getting another little critter because of her. So now I have a little Blue Rat named Biscuit to keep me company. Here's a little video of her I shot yesterday:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cwtGNcErC_o

Finally, I've been housebound for the last 5 days. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I was either poked or bitten (or both) on my feet by something I was severely allergic to. And by "severely allergic to", I mean that I couldn't even wear shoes, and had to clean open, blistery wounds, and take antibiotics as a precaution. I couldn't walk without my skin breaking. I still have no idea what it was that got me - I suspect that it happened while I was crashing through the brush on a hill by the beach on the day of the wedding. Next time, I'm wearing my boots!

And now I need to get back to processing photos. I'll leave you with a little slideshow I put together a few days ago. Half of the photos are mine, half of 'em are Rekabek's. All of 'em are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

http://redbatphotography.com/saraandmatt/

On Annoyingly Erroneous Bumper Stickers

2008-05-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

You know, usually I'm all about taking it easy and not letting things bother me. I'm not a party pooper or a killjoy. But I got really annoyed yesterday. By a bumper sticker.

It read "If you're so Goth, where were you when we sacked Byzantium?"

Ha ha, right?

NO.

Allow me to put on my Pedantic History Nerd Hat for a moment. First of all, the Goths (either the Ostrogoths OR the Visigoths) never sacked "Byzantium". They sacked ROME, and they did it in 410 AD. By that time, "Byzantium" didn't even exist, as it had been known as "New Rome", or Constantinople since around 330 AD, when Emperor Constantine I built a new city around ancient Byzantium, which was founded sometime around 660 B.C.

Secondly, Constantinople wasn't sacked until nearly a millenium after the fall of Rome, when the Fourth Crusade came a'knocking in 1203. It can't even be said that Goths had anything to do with that sacking, either, as the Fourth Crusade was comprised mostly of Venetians, Flemish, and the French.

In conclusion, it is a stupid bumper sticker, I am a huge nerd, and anyone visiting Constantinople immediately after 1203 would probably have seen something like this:

Not Dead!

2008-05-01T02:28:00.000-07:00

To prove it, I made you a mixtape:

And a slideshow!

See? Dead hoboes don't make mixtapes or slideshows*!

*except maybe Zombie Hoboes. They might.

Hobo Lessons

2008-02-25T07:53:00.001-08:00

Dear person who found my site by typing "how to become a hobo" into Google,

What are you thinking? First of all, WHY? Second of all, it's not really that hard. Take one (1) human unable (or unwilling) to deal with normal societal things like:

- Hygiene
- Haircuts
- Beardcuts
- The willpower to realize that leaves are NOT government/alien listening devices
- Etc.

Mix well with alchohol/amphetamines/aquanet/insecticide/all of the above, let simmer in a field/dumpster/alley, allow weeds/chicken bones/spaghetti to accumulate in beard, release back into society with bongos/banjo/didgeridoo with a container of some sort for coin accumulation, and voilà! You've got yourself a hobo.

Should I be charging for this?

P.S.: The girl and I went to a beach I know of a few days ago, close to sunset, after a storm. After slogging through half a mile of mud to get to the beach, we looked back and saw this:

To Meme or not to Meme...

2008-02-19T18:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, I've never met a meme I didn't like (except for the one that instructed me to shout "Surrey with a fringe on top!" three times in the middle of a leather bar), and Rekabek tagged me, so what the hell!

The rule is to pick up the nearest book, flip to page 123, skip to the 5th sentence, and type that sentence and the following two:

"Pulse hammering, she thumped the release plate and swung it open manually, then dived through into the public right-of-way with its faded green carpet and turquoise walls. It was dim in the hallway, the main lights dialed down to signify twilight, and apart from a couple of maintenance 'bots, she had the passage to herself. She began to walk, a black haze of frustration and anger wrapped tightly around her like a cloak."

That's from the book Iron Sunrise by Charles Stross. Highly recommended.

Coming up next, a brief tale of the dinner party, the homeless-by-choice Russian-born massage therapist and lifestyle coach, the administrative assistant at the Tantric Temple, and the really excellent pasta salad.

Oh, and I tag Space Nakji, Fluid Pudding, and whoever the hell else wants to do this. Compliance is not compulsory.

A Brief Political Note

2008-02-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

I was recently inspired to write my first letter to one of my elected officials. It turns out that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) voted to grant retroactive immunity to telecom companies that assisted the Bush administration in illegal, warrantless wiretaps and surveillance of American citizens. The legislation is the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), and it passed the Senate this week with the help of 18 Democrats, including Bayh, Inouye, Johnson, Landrieu, McCaskill, Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, Stabenow, Feinstein, Kohl, Pryor, Rockefeller, Salazar, Carper, Mikulski, Conrad, Webb and Lincoln.

I don't usually get into politics here, but anything that makes domestic surveillance easier really gets my goat. I'll also be writing to my Congressperson about this. Anyway, here's my letter. Can you tell I'm annoyed?

Dear Senator Feinstein,

I have never written to one of my elected officials in my life. One of your recent votes has so infuriated me that I can no longer remain silent.

Thank you for being one of the 18 Democratic Senators to vote for providing retroactive immunity to the telecom companies who violated both the spirit and letter of the Constitution by spying on American citizens by request of the Bush Administration.

Your vote on the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) has helped to increase the power of President Bush at the expense of the American people. Your decision to side with AT&T and the administration is ethically bankrupt. They broke the law, and they should not be absolved of that crime, nor any future crime.

It saddens me to see you voting time and again with the Bush administration on matters of security. What use is a Democratic "majority" if you and other "democrats" continue to rubber stamp the policies of the current administration? I almost wish the Republicans had retained power. At least that way I'd KNOW my civil liberties were going to be violated, instead of being constantly disappointed by people I trust to know better.

You are the sort of person that term limits were made for. I look forward to voting against you in any future race, although I rather suspect that you'll find a nice cozy spot at The Heritage Foundation.

Are You Ready?

2008-01-25T02:20:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Moose and Squirrel, I give you my new venture. A joint venture with the amazing Rekabek.

We call it Red Bat Photography.

Anybody gettin' hitched?

I know a coupla awesome photographers!

(The site still has a few wrinkles to be ironed out, but I figured I'd tortured you long enough...)

Big Update Coming...

2008-01-16T16:53:00.000-08:00

...but it's not quite ready yet. I'll have full details by the end of this week, I promise!

In the meantime, here are some photos for you:

Hobo Wisdom Nugget #437

2007-12-10T05:29:00.000-08:00

You know you've made a good girlfriend choice when you sing one of Dick Van Dyke's bits from the Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious song (complete with horrible Cockney accent), and she demands that you sing it to her EVERY DAY, UNTIL YOU DIE.

Internet, meet The Snuggler:

Also, here's a shot of me doing my thing:

So Much To Say...

2007-12-06T02:24:00.000-08:00

...And yet somehow the words don't seem to come like they used to. There is so much that is positive in my life right now, so many good things have happened and will continue to happen, but I feel a bit sad at the moment. When I quit my job and moved to Santa Cruz, I fully expected to spend a lot of time writing. After all, that was the main reason for everything. I've known I was a writer since I was 9. It's simply what I AM, at my core. And yet the words aren't coming.

I found another path, a different way to express myself, and I found that I was good at it. I made investments, I put in the time to learn the craft, I taught myself how to be a photographer, and now I'm doing it. That's what I am now. I'd always expected that I would continue writing, that I could do both at the same time. But it hasn't happened. The words aren't coming.

I can feel them, just under the surface. I can feel the itching in my bones, but I can't scratch them out. I can't force them to come. I seem to be wired in such a way that I can do one, or the other, but not both.

Don't get me wrong. I love what I'm doing. I love how it makes me feel, and I love the pleasure that my work brings. It's just...unexpected. I was supposed to tell stories with my words, not with my eyes.

A new friend told me something interesting recently. He was looking through my portfolio, page by page, slowly, taking his time. Towards the end, he looked at me and told me that I have a "tender eye". He said that I have a way of capturing the emotion of a moment. I've thought about that a lot lately, and I wonder if the reason for that is that I'm sad that I can no longer tell stories in the old familiar way.

The realization that I can't do both at the same time has made me withdraw from many things that were old and familiar. I've touched on this a bit previously, but the reason for it is that I've been trying very hard to ignore what's been happening. I've been ignoring the writing itself, and almost everything associated with it.

I feel as though I've been hiding, because I was afraid to admit to myself that I couldn't tell the stories that I had inside. I realize now that's not entirely true. I've just found a different way to tell different stories.

I believe that the stories will come back, that the itching will become a warmth and the stories will just shine out of me. Someday. For now, I will happily give myself to the lens, and wait for the day when the words come home.

Superpowers

2007-11-13T03:54:00.001-08:00

If I was a superhero, I think my superpower would be "Growing a Beard". I'd rather have "shooting lasers from my eyes" or "x-ray vision" or "neutralizing Richard Simmons", but alas, I get beardy.

I haven't shaved for over a week now, and I look kinda like this:

And I looked like this just last week!

Growing the suspenders was the hardest part.

Tales of Pork and Gelatin

2007-11-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

I have to say that this NaBloPoMoFo thing is making me just a teensy bit competitive. I mean, all of these great writers are sitting around, posting EVERY GODDAMN DAY, and here I sit with my nose in a bushel of photos with "communication with the outside world" just about the farthest thing from my mind.

So while I don't have tons to say, I will give a few brief updates.

- I have not recently spontaneously combusted.

- My entire body (except the toenails) has NOT been consumed by giant slugs.

- I have not successfully consumed my weight in anchovies.

- I DID buy a totally sweet hoodie

- I DID buy a little MP3 player for The Snuggler for her birthday, pre-loaded with good tunes.

- I actually AM ok with the fact that the person I'm dating does not eat anything pork related, which means NO BACON and NO MARSHMALLOWS. Of course, this means that I dream of MARSHMALLOW DIPPED BACON, but I feel certain that this will pass like a fever dream. Possibly AFTER I am caught attempting to bring my mad creation to fruition at 2 in the morning while dressed in my underwear.

A Short Tale of Breakfast and Marriage

2007-11-04T14:28:00.000-08:00

I've been making breakfast a lot lately. Dinner, too, but I enjoy breakfast more for some reason. This morning was eggs scrambled with grated colby jack cheese, toasted francesci rolls with real butter, and a cup of creamy organic tomato soup. The soup was REALLY good. I tossed in some rosemary, oregano and nutmeg, let the whole thing simmer for about ten minutes, strained the herbs out, and poured into bowls. SO GOOD. And so easy to make!

In other news, the partner and I shot our first wedding last Sunday. It went phenomenally well. Our styles and methods compliment each other perfectly. We got absolutely everything important and quite a few inadvertent little gems as well. Here are some of my favorites:

Communication

2007-10-16T00:37:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm discovering that intense focus is a two-edged sort of thing. What is that thing? Sword? Knife? Kangaroo? Something like that. Anyway, one of the things that I've been struggling with for the past few months is the enormity of the change in my life. In a lot of aspects, it's been really positive, but in others, it's been either scary or eye-opening. On the eye-opening end of the spectrum is the realization that when I really focus on something, it's HARD for me to remember to communicate properly. I'm ok with people in the immediate vicinity, but when it comes to family and far-away friends, it can seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth.

Not good. I probably haven't talked to my mom for over a month now, and I haven't heard my dad's voice for almost a year. Granted, he lives in Scotland, and they haven't yet perfected the wool-based telephone, but still. So I gotta work on that. TO THE SHEEP PHONE!

Ahem.

Other things of note: wedding coming up soon (not mine), and I'll get to photograph that along with the ol' partner. Should be fun. And also nerve wracking.

I also had a dream the other night where I was running through a field full of dandelions and green grass. There were people there with helmets and determined expressions running circuitous routes, and I saw them as if they were snapshots slapped on a light table. I could tell they were annoyed with me because I wasn't running the proper route - I was checking out dandelions. So I strolled out of the field and woke up. Apparently I was making some noise or something while I was sleeping, because when I woke, she was snuggled up against me and rubbing my hand. It was a good way to wake up.

;)

Photo Update

2007-10-09T01:08:00.000-07:00

Went up to Sacramento on Saturday with Rekabek to shoot some of One Proud Gemini's friends. They're in a band called Mr. Stitches. There are more, but these are my favorites:

As Time Goes By

2007-10-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

I was reading my book at a cafe today, and I was suddenly struck by how completely my life has changed in the last year. I realized that the bookmark I was using was the business card of a "pipesmith" named Julius Vesz. I got it in Toronto almost exactly one year ago, when I accompanied The Ex Girl on a business trip.

It was a fun trip, full of new experiences (first time in Canada, first time eating dim sum, etc.) and lots of photos. I had no idea that the relationship would be over in a month, and I certainly would not have dreamed that I'd be where I am today, doing what I'm doing.

What am I doing? Well, for one, I'm starting to date again. I know! SO WEIRD. And yet, here I am, doing the dating thing. It's been very interesting so far, so I'll tell you a few stories.

Date One involved some firsts as well. I attended a blind eating party at a mushroom farm up in Sonoma County a few weeks ago. It was one of those deals where they blindfold you and then you attempt to work your way through six courses of food while attempting to carry on conversations with people you can't see and can barely hear. It was pretty interesting, and it was the first time I'd tried both caviar and venison. All in all, it was a lot of fun. Then there was an after party, and then there was hot tubbing. Yup. Five naked people in a hot tub on a beautiful night under a full moon. That was also a first. People who know me have been completely shocked that I did this, but it seemed perfectly natural and was totally non-sexual. It was just NICE.

There was fun making out later, and good breakfast at a neat hippie cafe the next morning.

Date Two was a first date with someone far closer than Sonoma County, and was even more enjoyable than Date One. It started at a nice local bar that serves good food. The place was totally packed, and it didn't look like we were going to get a seat, but one opened up at the last moment right next to the fireplace. Lucky! Dinner was a set of cucumber martinis and raspberry creme brulee. Conversation went well enough that we had seconds of everything. There was actual walking on the beach later (another first), and then we watched Harold and Maude back at my apartment until about 3:30am. Pretty good first date, I thought. We had a second one last Saturday, and number three is scheduled for this Friday. I'm thinking bowling might be fun.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I'm amazed, nay, FLABBERGASTED by how much has changed in my life, and how much *I* have changed over the last year. I never thought I'd be dating. I never thought I'd be comfortable enough with myself to disrobe in front of complete strangers. I never thought I'd be in this beautiful place, having adventures with interesting people. I never thought I'd be so excited about my business prospects, or my future in general.

Apparently it's a good time to be me.

P.S.: Photos!

The Edges of Things

2007-09-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

I've been wearing glasses since I was 9. The years prior were a blur (literally) of smeared color and horrible car sickness. For some reason, poor eyesight really messes with the inner ear. But then I got checked out and fitted and WOW, I could SEE things! Leaves on trees! Edges of shadows! The tops of mountains! It was a complete and total revelation, and it changed my life.

I discovered that summer that reading was much easier with my new glasses, and picked up some of my mom's books. By the end of that summer my love for science fiction was born and I was reading at a college level. I was also getting used to being called "four eyes" and "nerd", which put me firmly in a category I wouldn't be able to escape until high school.

When summer was gone, I started looking forward to going back to school. We lived in Buellton, a little town near Santa Barbara in Central California. Alas, it was not to be - my parents sold their business and moved us all to Colorado. Which was beautiful, but made me completely miserable. I had no social skills. I was quiet. I'd much rather notice the world around me than flap my lips, but fifth graders usually interpret that as "stupid" or "freaky".

A year that started so wonderfully with the simple gift of sight ended with a lot of realizations that most 10 year olds don't get the opportunity to make. I was awkward. It was hard for me to talk to people and make friends. I'd rather read a book by myself than fraternize just for the sake of being accepted. I also discovered an unholy love for individually wrapped cheese slices, but that's a story for another day.

I'm still like that kid in a lot of ways. Far less awkward, because I've managed to figure out who I am. More social skills because hey, you can't let 20 years and two long term relationships go by without learning at least a little bit about how people interact. But I'm still pretty quiet. I love that I still notice the leaves on trees and the edges of things. I love that I still have an appreciation for sight and the ability to see the beauty around me. I love that I can look back to that 9 year old kid and realize that the simple act of getting glasses made a large part of who I am.

It's been a long road from that summer 22 years ago.

And frankly, I'm really glad I've had glasses while traveling that road, because really - it would suck to be carsick for that long.

Birdmonster Show!

2007-08-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

Made a trek up to San Francisco last night with the awesome Rekabek! We headed over to Cafe DuNord to see Birdmonster play, and we took a ton of photos. Here are some of mine:

Do Android Rednecks Dream of Electric Monster Trucks?

2007-08-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I have been thinking about monster trucks a lot lately.

I also sort of want to go to a demolition derby.

If I put a Dale Earnhardt memorial sticker on my Audi, you have permission to shoot me in the face.

Machine Minds and Machine Hearts

2007-08-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

A little gem for a Thursday morning:

Santa Cruz Snapshots

2007-08-06T18:26:00.001-07:00

For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm Home. I've been living here since May, but I've always had travel plans, always been going somewhere. I have no plans to go anywhere at the moment, and it's really allowed me to appreciate what Santa Cruz has to offer, and why I came here in the first place.

For instance, I've been paying attention to the people. There's Pinky, of course, who dresses entirely in pink (including a fake pink mink stole), paints his face pink with extra pink circles on his cheeks, carries a Tweety Bird umbrella on his shoulder, the inside of which is lined with tin foil, and he spends his days walking, very slowly and very precisely up and down Pacific Avenue. When I say slowly, I mean that it takes him about five minutes to move ten feet. And he's always smiling. I'm happy to smile back.

Then there's the lady who's turned her Rascal into a veritable palanquin, complete with tasseled canopy and leopard spots. She's large, but I'm convinced that at least half of the weight consists of pure awesome.

There are also many hoboes here, but they're largely benign, rather than the Scream In Your Face About Nixon variety.

I make it a point to see the ocean every day, and I even find myself contemplating the purchase of a bicycle or (gasp!) walking places instead of driving.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go deliver a computer to my new business partner.

Pure Awesome, People

2007-07-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

I think my favorite part is the "girl" with the receding hairline.

Indicators of the Pending Apocalypse, Part One

2007-07-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

Snap Snap Grin Grin Wink Wink

2007-07-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in Southern California AGAIN. This is the last time for a while, unless someone pays my travel expenses. I feel like I've spent the last month and a half living out of a suitcase, and I'm a little tired of it. I don't mind the traveling - I'd just rather go to places I haven't been before, or at least places more interesting than "home".

Not that I haven't been having fun! Last weekend was Disneyland, Hollywood and Beverly Hills with the extremely awesome Dana (internet friend), and this weekend was photo shoots, lunches and dinners with friends, and a deep tissue massage (my first - OMG).

I'll post pics from a shoot soonish, but for now, you'll just have to make to do with this:

Hells yeah!