You know, I sat here and sweated out three different versions of this post before I finally tossed it all out, said a very loud "Fuck It" in my head, and started over. I'm not going to focus on the past. I've always been good about looking ahead and having adventures and making the most of things, and goddamn it, that's what I'm going to do.

I will mesmerize you with tales of things that totally didn't happen very soon. In the meantime, you can read about my Christmas Story (which is actually true) over at Fluid Pudding, and you can also gaze upon this, the Best Tattoo Ever:



You're welcome.

Yeah, not so much. Normally I love Christmas a little more than is healthy for me. The tree, the decorations, the crispy coolness in the air, the anticipation of excellent swag, and spending some quality time with the significant other.

I just can't do it this year. I haven't done any shopping, nor do I think I'm going to. I'll get my mom a birthday present (she was born on Christmas Eve), and get flowers for my Grandma and Emily, but that'll be the extent of it.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6F0H04vz_Bc]

And yes, that IS Justin Timberlake.

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster,

Look, I know I don't ask you for much. Ok, so I don't ask you for anything, really. Well, nothing that doesn't involve stuffed shells and pesto sauce. But look, I could really use some help here. You know about Motley Crue, right? Yeah. Yeah, they did that one song about a doctor who feels good. What? Yeah, you're right - that one dude from the band DID marry Pamela Anderson.

I found this the other day. Yes, it is the first issue of the Alf comic book:



Not much could be worse than that, right? Incorrect. I flipped the comic over, and found this ad:



I was hungry for more. Google Image Search, what do you have for us?



Ah, yes. An Italian cat chewing on the Potato Chip Popple. Priceless.

Usually the only thing that gets unruly around my place is the cheese (I swear it's going to invent fire one of these days. Fondue! Ha!). Recently, however, I've noticed a few visitors.

Like the flock of parrots in my neighborhood. They're very loud, and they've got squawks like chain smokers. Little feathered chain smokers. What would parrots smoke, anyway? Probably cheroots. Oooh, or maybe those "Swisher Sweets" I always see at the grocery store but would never (ever) buy.

Regardless, in keeping with my pledge to take a photo a day, here's a parrot:

Cooking. I need to learn how to cook things. I'm a little sick of nachos.

And by sick, I mean that I'm considering finding a tortilla chip factory and setting it on fire.

Either that or crash a guacamole truck into it.

I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds pretty impressive so I'm gonna just go with it, ok? Thanks for playing along. This is the post where I regale you with tales of things that have happened to me, and things that I've been thinking about. Strap yourself in, bucko, it's been a bumpy few weeks.

More later. This pretty much sums things up at the moment, though.