This Would Only Happen To Me
So there I was, minding my own business. I'd slept in, showered, gotten dressed, was ready to head out to run some errands. Felt pretty good, bounce in my step, beautiful day, sunny and bright and cheerful.
I opened the back door to go out to the garage. Maybe I'm even whistling a little bit. Then I heard this sound, saw movement out of the corner of my eye. A split second later, I realize that the sound is a grasshopper being startled by the door and launching itself in the air. Let me pause here and note for the record that grasshoppers are neither graceful nor aerodynamic, but when they get to flappin', they can get up to speed pretty damn fast.
Two things happen now. The first is that the VERY LARGE grasshopper hits me in the side of the face. It felt like getting nailed by a kumquat. The second thing is that I instinctively ducked, and yes, I'm not ashamed to say it, I yelled.
And then I yelled some more, and hopped around a little bit, because the grasshopper was still flailing around ON MY FACE. The reason for this is that its leg had gotten stuck IN MY EARRING. It couldn't escape, it was freaking out, I was freaking out and doing a weird sort of dance that involved moving my head around a lot and flailing my arms, but nowhere NEAR my face, because hey, I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT.
This lasted for a good five seconds, until I realized that I was going to have to do something more drastic. This involved a fast sweeping motion with my hand in the vicinity of my ear. When the arc was complete, the grasshopper was in midair, my face was free of insects, and a grasshopper leg was on the ground near my feet.
Then I ran inside and boiled my ear.
I opened the back door to go out to the garage. Maybe I'm even whistling a little bit. Then I heard this sound, saw movement out of the corner of my eye. A split second later, I realize that the sound is a grasshopper being startled by the door and launching itself in the air. Let me pause here and note for the record that grasshoppers are neither graceful nor aerodynamic, but when they get to flappin', they can get up to speed pretty damn fast.
Two things happen now. The first is that the VERY LARGE grasshopper hits me in the side of the face. It felt like getting nailed by a kumquat. The second thing is that I instinctively ducked, and yes, I'm not ashamed to say it, I yelled.
And then I yelled some more, and hopped around a little bit, because the grasshopper was still flailing around ON MY FACE. The reason for this is that its leg had gotten stuck IN MY EARRING. It couldn't escape, it was freaking out, I was freaking out and doing a weird sort of dance that involved moving my head around a lot and flailing my arms, but nowhere NEAR my face, because hey, I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT.
This lasted for a good five seconds, until I realized that I was going to have to do something more drastic. This involved a fast sweeping motion with my hand in the vicinity of my ear. When the arc was complete, the grasshopper was in midair, my face was free of insects, and a grasshopper leg was on the ground near my feet.
Then I ran inside and boiled my ear.
coughed this up at 12:28 PM
4 El Commentos:
Flashback! Flashback!!!
Aieeeeee, the horror!!!!!!!!!!!
To this day I have a demonstrable bird phobia, well, for pigeons mostly...and seagulls too sort of.
Too hideous a story to put down in print, but ask me over that comfort-food ice cream cone, and I *may* be able to overcome the shudders long enough to tell the tale.
I'm glad you survived, Hobo. But the grasshopper? Probably not so much.
I once had a Very Large Grasshopper stuck half in and half out of my bathing suit. It took only a split second to happen, too, as I was adjusting the elastic right at the very moment the VLG decided to launch itself my way.
Stupid friggin' grasshoppers.
Did you yell? Or did you shriek like a girl?
The lesson here is to toughen up and fly right. Earring? Geez Hobo!
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