The Road Goes Ever On
I am single again, after such a long and beautiful run. So many wonderful memories, meaningful conversations about anything and everything at all hours of the day and night.
It began with communication. It was the foundation of our relationship. We talked. She made the breath catch in my throat, made my heart beat faster, made my hands tremble. She still does.
And yet there was always a part of her that she held back. She knew that what we had was valuable, was worth something, and she didn't want to lose it. But she still wanted to be single, to know what that felt like. The feeling of freedom and not being held accountable. She was afraid of the deep end.
And that's where I was. I was ready for something meaningful. I didn't know what form it would take, how it would manifest. I didn't much care. All I knew is that I wanted her to be a part of it. Not marriage, I didn't want a wife, I wanted the journey. Someone to share life with.
But we're in two different places. I can't give her what she needs and still stay sane. She can't give me what I need. I need truth, and I need physical and emotional monogamy.
We ended as we began, which is poetic in a strange way. A flurry of email and emotion. In the beginning, I decided to overcome my fear and see what would happen, where life would take me.
In the end, I am glad for the journey that we had. I don't know where I'm going now, but I know that I did the best that I could, and gave all that I had to offer. I did not hold back. I was faithful and honest and I tried to be the best partner that I could be.
I can't see where I'm going, and I don't like being alone, but if that's my path, I'll walk it.
It began with communication. It was the foundation of our relationship. We talked. She made the breath catch in my throat, made my heart beat faster, made my hands tremble. She still does.
And yet there was always a part of her that she held back. She knew that what we had was valuable, was worth something, and she didn't want to lose it. But she still wanted to be single, to know what that felt like. The feeling of freedom and not being held accountable. She was afraid of the deep end.
And that's where I was. I was ready for something meaningful. I didn't know what form it would take, how it would manifest. I didn't much care. All I knew is that I wanted her to be a part of it. Not marriage, I didn't want a wife, I wanted the journey. Someone to share life with.
But we're in two different places. I can't give her what she needs and still stay sane. She can't give me what I need. I need truth, and I need physical and emotional monogamy.
We ended as we began, which is poetic in a strange way. A flurry of email and emotion. In the beginning, I decided to overcome my fear and see what would happen, where life would take me.
In the end, I am glad for the journey that we had. I don't know where I'm going now, but I know that I did the best that I could, and gave all that I had to offer. I did not hold back. I was faithful and honest and I tried to be the best partner that I could be.
I can't see where I'm going, and I don't like being alone, but if that's my path, I'll walk it.
coughed this up at 10:20 AM
6 El Commentos:
Today's requisite snarky comment will be replaced with the following:
You know the first time I ever read you there was dog sickness happening and I read it and I got a little sad at work remembering the dog I once had and the fish I was innordinately enamored with at the age of 5, who, as fate would have it, needed much cleaner water than we had in Chula Vista and prompted my early morning question to my Ma "Ma; why are my fish swimming upside down?"
The point? Always sad to hear of my Hobo's life getting thrown an emotion curveball. But, again, you seem to be handling it with a few tons of optimism.
Today's tip: avoid Mamba No. 5, go home early from work, have a brandy milk punch in the bath, and read some Douglas Adams. Oh shit. I still have your copy. We should work that out.
thanks, mr. monster. while you do indeed have my copy of hitchhiker's, there's always Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. and Terry Pratchett, and Neil Gaiman's new book of short stories. i think i'll be spending a large amount of time wrapped around books and things with alcohol in them in the near future.
it's been a bad six months, with a few highlights. let's recount, just for laughs:
1) lost The Girl from May to July
2) lost Maisie in June
3) got the Girl back in July
4) saw Birdmonster in August
5) got some sweet business cards in September
6) visited Canadia in October
7) almost lost my job in October
8) had my insurance cancelled in November
9) got in a car accident 6 days later
10) lost The Girl
go me.
aren't you going to be here again soon? that would mean that #11 would be a good thing. i like good things.
So NOW can I call her up and tell her what I really think of her?!?!
I'm assuming you've read Good Omens? If not, do so. If yes, read Handling Sin already. I'll be sternly tapping my foot until then.
And yes, we are in your town (well, LA technically) on Tuesday the 21st. Do come by. We can drink, be merry, all that.
Bummer. And me, just getting started checking in around your place. Very sorry to hear of your current status (sad). To cheer you up in the book department? Anything by Eric Garcia, Christopher Moore, Carl Hiassen... Those guys? Escapist fiction at its finest! Hang in there, and we'll hope to see you on the other side :-)
Hey you, you probably won't receive this till saturday morning so good morning;
anyway,
i'm really glad I got to see you again, you look good! I'll buy drinks next time, I promise (and maybe I'll wear a black shirt, just in case I spill again or I'll wear a beige bra...) haha- i'm still embarrassed. Anyway, I'll be out of work at 5 tomorrow, I'll give you a call, ttl.
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