Ask a Hobo!

Dear Hobo,

I think I am addicted to carbs. I can't stop stuffing my face with chocolate, grilled sandwiches, cookies, and instant coffee. My butt is ginormous, and I can't bend from the waist anymore because I don't have a waist anymore. What should I do, and is there any chance it might involve eating even LESS vegetables than I currently do?

Sincerely,
I've Resorted To Wearing Clown Pants

Dear Rolls the Clown,

Have you considered a diet high in pigeon? Pigeon has a number of attributes that could help alleviate your problem.

First of all, they are extremely nasty, and you'd probably get very sick if you ate one. Result: you won't want to eat, and you'll lose weight. If you're looking for a more long-term plan without as many risks, you may want to consider licking a pigeon once a week. Consider it gastronomical russian roulette with wings.

Second, feathers are hollow. That's a lot of air. Result: you'll feel like you're full. Side benefit: Quills are pointy, and will hurt coming out. Think of them as little quill pens, writing encouraging notes to you on the inside of your small intestines.

Finally, good news! Pigeons do not require vegetables to be edible. The downside: you'll need to put the pigeon inside a chicken to make it edible.