Marshmallow Mysteries
There I was, in the supermarket. Innocent, carefree, and, dare I say, unaware. I may even have been whistling. I picked up bread, cheese, pasta, crackers. I rounded the corner into the cereal aisle. My cart squeaked and wobbled over the linoleum a like weeble being attacked by a bat. Then I saw Johnny Depp. On a cereal box. Dressed as a pirate.
See? There he is. I wasn't very clear on what "pirate-shaped marshmallows" were, though. I opened the box, and I'm still not sure.
Exhibit A:
This appears to be a yellow hexagon with a white center. Now, my pirate knowledge is not nearly as extensive as my ninja know-how, but I am fairly certain that pirates didn't really care for hexagons. I'm pretty sure that they hated them, in fact. It's a well known fact that during Pirate Times the mere sight of a hexagon would drive a pirate into a frothy rage.
That's my theory, anyway. Maybe it was some sort of geometrically correct pirate twinkie. Thoughts?
Exhibit B:
Another puzzler, but perhaps easier to identify than the previous example. This appears to be a purple thing with a white thing in the middle. Maybe it's a bird. Maybe it's a plane. It could also be an X. You know, to mark the spot. Ah! Perhaps. But why would pirates use purple treasure maps? Was it too difficult to make a parchment colored marshmallow? I don't think you're working hard enough, Kellogg.
Exhibit C:
I have no clue as to what this could be. A mushroom? Not very piratey. A parsnip with a purple knitted cap? I'm pretty sure a pirate would laugh at a parsnip. Especially if it was shaped like a "thingy". Other than that, I'm drawing a blank. What "pirate shape" could this be?
Exhibit D:
I'm pretty sure a pirate wouldn't be caught dead in a New Beetle. Not even if it was black and had cannons poking out the windows. Is it a hat?
Exhibit E:
This is perhaps the most confusing of the bunch. I'm totally at a loss here. It's teal and it's yellow. I want to say that it's a parrot, but the shape is all wrong. Maybe it's an attempt at a hook apparatus? For the fancy and fashionable pirate? It looks like a Miami Vice Epilady, and I know that's not right...
Help me out here, people. I don't need to be more confused than I already am.
p.s.: i think that "Marshmallow Designer" would be just about the coolest job EVER.
See? There he is. I wasn't very clear on what "pirate-shaped marshmallows" were, though. I opened the box, and I'm still not sure.
Exhibit A:
This appears to be a yellow hexagon with a white center. Now, my pirate knowledge is not nearly as extensive as my ninja know-how, but I am fairly certain that pirates didn't really care for hexagons. I'm pretty sure that they hated them, in fact. It's a well known fact that during Pirate Times the mere sight of a hexagon would drive a pirate into a frothy rage.
That's my theory, anyway. Maybe it was some sort of geometrically correct pirate twinkie. Thoughts?
Exhibit B:
Another puzzler, but perhaps easier to identify than the previous example. This appears to be a purple thing with a white thing in the middle. Maybe it's a bird. Maybe it's a plane. It could also be an X. You know, to mark the spot. Ah! Perhaps. But why would pirates use purple treasure maps? Was it too difficult to make a parchment colored marshmallow? I don't think you're working hard enough, Kellogg.
Exhibit C:
I have no clue as to what this could be. A mushroom? Not very piratey. A parsnip with a purple knitted cap? I'm pretty sure a pirate would laugh at a parsnip. Especially if it was shaped like a "thingy". Other than that, I'm drawing a blank. What "pirate shape" could this be?
Exhibit D:
I'm pretty sure a pirate wouldn't be caught dead in a New Beetle. Not even if it was black and had cannons poking out the windows. Is it a hat?
Exhibit E:
This is perhaps the most confusing of the bunch. I'm totally at a loss here. It's teal and it's yellow. I want to say that it's a parrot, but the shape is all wrong. Maybe it's an attempt at a hook apparatus? For the fancy and fashionable pirate? It looks like a Miami Vice Epilady, and I know that's not right...
Help me out here, people. I don't need to be more confused than I already am.
p.s.: i think that "Marshmallow Designer" would be just about the coolest job EVER.
coughed this up at 9:22 PM
12 El Commentos:
LOL! I have NO idea what pirate shapes they might be. They are pretty vague shapes...I'm gonna guess the last one that's purple and yellow is a sword?!?very funy post.
Mr. Hobo,
A post of true import. I have theories, of course.
Exhibit A: gold bullion. Or geometrically impeccable pirate ear wax.
Exhibit B: sadly, I must agree: world's worst treasure map.
Exhibit C: It's Johnny Depp. Just check the jawline. Finally, one of the great actors of our time, immortalized as a nutrition-free chunk of sugar and preservatives.
Exhibit D: A hat. Well chosen.
Exhibit E: perplexing. Kattbanjo might be onto something, although the colors are all wrong. Did Pirates use dildos? Maybe it's a scurvy-ridden bicuspid. No, it's a dildo.
The defense rests.
I agree with birdmonster but like his dildo theory better than the sword theory of mine...
ok, so i think that kellogg has been somewhat redeemed IF they are in fact manufacturing tasty marshmallow dildos for the Youth of America.
if that's the case, maybe Exhibit A is some sort of pirate condom?
I am always so impressed with how healthily you eat in America. I can't believe you are the fattest nation in the world! I won't believe!
"pirate condom" ARRRRGHHHH! giggle giggle
sn: it's true! i only eat bacon and marshmallows. i dream of bacon-flavored marshmallows.
katt: aaarrrgh is right! i have a theory regarding the extinction of the pirate race. it's hard for your little swimmers to fertilize if they've got peg tails. and look! i have photographic evidence! i think the problem is clear.
You betta believe! OMGWTFBBQRUNDMC baby bat biscuit, that is the funniest post I ever dun read, and I read em all. My condolences!
:[ <3 8>
GASP! i think i've made a breakthrough! if you flip Exhibit C upside down, it just MIGHT BE a sort of pirate ship thingie! See? LOOK.
of course, it looks more like a trireme to me, which would make for a pretty poor pirate ship, due to the total lack of canons. and no poop deck to speak of. pirate ship's gotta have a poop deck. it's part of the code. right after the bit about proper parrot care.
stop arguing with me, punkass. the first mallow is clearly a SHIP'S WHEEL! Jeez...
dood, scrappy, shut the fuck up already. big know-it-all.
I don't know what's got me laughing harder. The original article or the comments.
Riot!
Post a Comment
<< Flee!