Dog Days of...Fall?

It is fall, right? I don't pay much attention to these things. Anyway, the "clever" post title is really just so I don't have "Cute Poochies" in my sidebar navigation for a few weeks. That said, San Nakji holds the opinion that his dog is the cutest. I respect his opinion, but he is wrong. Observe Maisie, The Dog Who Set Her Own Ass on Fire:

The Frozen Walrus Game!

Apparently there's an Inuit game called igunaujannguaq, which translates to "FROZEN WALRUS CARCASS". Yes, that is a phrase that MUST be shouted. Disappointingly, it does not involve an actual frozen walrus carcass, but rather features a person in the middle of a ring who has to "stay stiff" while they are passed around the ring. I will avoid the obvious and distasteful eskimo viagra joke, and will instead leave you with an image that I found in a Google search for "frozen walrus":



p.s.: please note that the walrus is wearing a Bush sweater.

More Blog Spewage

I've decided that I'm going to blog more. At the moment, this means that you're getting a blog post about me talking about blogging more. Hopefully this sort of recursiveness will be minimal. Navel gazing is not my cup of tea (Market Spice is, actually - thanks Natalie!), but I do tend to get a bit sentimental at times. You'll just have to suck it up if you come across one of those posts. You may also notice a decline in capitalization. When I write, I crank along at high speed, my only companions being correct spelling and punctuation. Capitals slow me down, man. Do not take this as a degradation in quality; it is merely a different kind of polish.

yeah, so that was total bullshit. "Spewage" is the correct word. get ready for more.

The Word "Totally": Vocal Tic or Virus?

A few months ago, a friend of mine started using the word "totally". It was a subtle thing, gradual, insidious. It was just a vocal tic, an innocuous little helper word that got tossed into sentences for added flavor. Like a taco. To carry the metaphor a bit farther, "totally" is like those little bits of diced jalapenos in salsa. They're fine if they're in there, but GOD FORBID if your tongue should actually touch one of the little bastards.

Anyway.

This new usage of the word wasn't alone. There were other verbal hangers-on that came along with it, like lexographical lampreys on the smooth fin of the english language. (Sorry). These included such phrases as "Seriously - you don't even know", "AWESOME", and "Do chickens have talons?" The influence of Napoleon Dynamite was a profound influence in this annoying muddying of decent sentence structure.

I mean, really. What does "totally" add to a sentence?

Example:
"I want to get a tattoo of a beaver on my chest."
"You TOTALLY should!"

or

"This velvet painting of David Hasselhoff is TOTALLY the best thing EVAR!"
"Dude, stop it. I just threw up in my mouth a little."

In the first example, the word "totally" is used to indicate that the speaker is really pretty excited about the idea of the beaver tattoo, and backs it 100%. However, it is also completely unnecessary. Observe:

"I want to get a tattoo of a beaver on my chest."
"You really should!"

See? By replacing the word "totally" with the word "really", we've plucked the inappropriate enthusiasm from the sentence, leaving it both easily understandable and much less annoying. Also, it gives it a slight oakey flavor.

The second example above is a much more serious case on many different levels. Let's deconstruct, shall we? First up is the inclusion of David Hasselhoff in a sentence. The meme that is David Hasselhoff was wrung dry, the last drops of humor squeezed from his shriveled husk sometime around 1997. Yet hacks who think they're funny continue to mine that ancient, puckery crevice for comedy gold. It's not there, people. Move along.

I'm not even going to comment on the velvet painting bit. Amateurish, really.

The use of "totally" in that sentence only adds to the horrific wrongness of the thing. It is meant to convey the strength of the feelings that the speaker has for David Hasselhoff. This is a person who, at the very least, really, really respects David Hasselhoff in a profound, slightly disturbing way. In fact, I would not be surprised if the speaker has a few snips of the man's chest hair in a little glass vial hanging around his neck. Or her neck. Could be a her. I'm just saying is all.

Let's rebuild the sentence and see how it looks with the objectionable content removed:

"This painting of Michael Knight is quite fantastic!"

I think you'll agree that this is a much better sentence. It rolls around in the mouth like a fine wine, hinting delicately of cranberries and asphalt.

So. We've established that the word "totally" does not belong in most sentences. I would also posit that it is more of a virus than a mere vocal tic, as it has the unfortunate ability to creep into otherwise perfectly acceptable sentences, usually without the conscious knowledge of the speaker. Which is exactly what happened to me. Where I would previously have said something along the lines of "Gadzooks, Hortensia, this is a smashing watercress sandwich!", I now say "TOTALLY AWESOME sammich, Horts!" You can see the dilemma.

I am hopeful that this little bit of deconstruction will cure me of the tendency to pepper my conversations with "totally". If not, I'm totally going to stab my friend. IN THE FASE.

Jewel vs. Fiona Apple

i'm sitting in a starbucks in Mammoth Lakes, CA, processing photos and listening to Jewel warble something. I used to like Jewel much more than I do now. Which reminds me - I heard a new Fiona Apple song the other day, and I totally think Fiona could kick Jewel's ass.

This blog entry brought to you by caffeine, fresh mountain air, lack of headphones so I can listen to something decent, and an annoying lack of allergy medicine.

One Dick Joke Too Many

It's weird - I stopped being married in January, felt like crap for a few months, learned some important lessons, personal growth, etc., and now I find myself having the time of my life. Since I am a corporate drone (although I am currently stealing company bandwidth to write this missive, thus removing some of the stigma of droneyness), I have listed a few of the ways in which my life is great in BULLET. POINT. FORMAT. (Yeah, that's how I roll now, suckas).

• I met The Girl. She's amazing, and she takes my breath away. It's the sort of thing where I'll be working along in my cube, doing cubey things, and I'll just stop every once in a while, sit back and say "Wow". Yeah. I've got it bad.


• I've started travelling. I've always wanted to travel, but never could. Now I'm like a shuttlecock in a really big game of badminton. (Ok, shut up - I know that's a horrible metaphor, but come on - I said "cock"! There's nothing so bad that it can't be enhanced by a good solid dick joke.) Since June I've been to New Orleans (pre-Katrina, with The Girl), Korea and Japan (with my tentacled pal). Over the next 6 months, I'll be going to Philadelphia, Washington DC, Seattle, New York, London, Scotland and Tampa. Yes, Tampa.


• I moved into a new place. It's literally 4 minutes from my work, which is a fuckload better than the hour and change it used to take me. I now have new and exciting opportunities to sleep in.


• I have my dog with me. Granted, she's a rather diminished version of herself, as she's started having seizures and is therefore drugged out of her gourd on phenobarbitol and valium half of the time, but this is a) better than having seizures, and b) better than putting her to sleep. Besides, she's getting used to the drugs, is getting less loopy, and hasn't had a seizure for a week now. She's always been a daddy's girl. I'm just having to act much more like a real daddy than I've had to before. And you know what? It ain't so bad.


• I have successfully completed a 12 step program to wean myself from egregious use of ellipsis. Unfortunately, much like the dreaded heroin to methadone stepdown, I've started abusing parentheses. I'm so (SO) ashamed.

I just realized that this is kind of a dumb post.











Um.....Balls?









shit. fuck it. here's a picture of a kitty.

Bongo Fury

There I was, 6000+ miles away from home, rooming with my Gracious Host in the lovely land of Korea. It was about 6pm, and I was attempting to take a nap, as I've been worn out by a week of pork products, buying clothes and knicknacks from street vendors, and generally having an awesome time. But I needed my sleep. I gave up the opportunity to get what i like to call MAGIC CORN DOGS (you have to yell it in a gleeful fashion) in order to get a little extra. Hopefully I've established how serious this need was. Ok? Ok.

So there I was, napping peacefully, comfortably. The room was cool, the bedding was soft, the pillow was fluffy. Then...






the BONGOS STARTED.





Yes.

Right across the hall, some nimrod decided that they would get in a little BONGO PRACTICE. If they try it again, I swear I'm going to buy a friggin accordion and serenade the bastard with a rendition of These Boots Were Made for Walking. I've never played the accordion in my life, but I feel certain that my skill far eclipses that of the BootLicking Bongoist. Seriously, it was like two halves of different natives attempting to play the same thing at the same time. Not only was it loud, it was also completely devoid of anything resembling a beat.

I am bitter.

So bitter.

And so full of pork.

Which makes it ok, I guess.

"How about a little Boyz II Men to round out your Korea experience?"

Yes, that was actually said to me by my gracious host. Korea is lovely. I've been here for a little over a week now, and I've seen lots of neato stuff. That quote was from a few days ago, after we'd taken the gondolas up to Seoul Tower (which was closed), and while we were sitting in the little old gazebo at the base of the tower eating ice cream. Boyz II Men suddenly wafted through the still air, rather like something from the wrong end of a skunk.



Then we went to Tokyo, which was really impressive and not nearly as terrifyingly full of people as I expected. Actually, let me clarify that. There were about 10 times more people than I've seen concentrated in one place in my life (except perhaps Disneyland at Christmas), but it wasn't terrifying in the least. My personal space was meticulously respected, and the one time I was slammed into, I was bowed at so much that I felt almost embarrassed.



The food was delicious (sushi + wasabi = happy hobo), and Host and I braved (and conquered) the Tokyo subway system. I cannot take credit for the victory, however; I mostly just followed along as best I could and trusted that her subway instincts were more finely honed than mine. Contrary to her belief, we did NOT end up in a forest in Hokkaido, nor were we forced to hitchhike back to Tokyo on the back of very small scooters. Which would have been cool, but would not have allowed for much shopping time. Here are two favorite subway photos:





We also visited the Studio Ghibli Museum in Mitaka. We took a train out of the city, walked quite a ways to the museum, only to discover that you have to purchase tickets online. AND they were sold out for the day. However, because they anticipated the unpreparedness of foreigners, they directed us to an office back in the main town where we could get tickets. So we hopped on a yellow bus with cartoon characters on it, got our tickets, and had a great day:











More pics later! I'm going out to get some sort of food now. Possibly something with tentacles.