Rorschach via the Bathroom

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now. Next to the bathroom. It's ok, my nose doesn't work properly, but my eyes work just fine, and I'm busy observing how people approach the bathroom. Being me, I've broken them down into discrete groups:

Yankers: These people charge right up to the door and yank on the handle. Maybe there's simply a freakishly large population of hot-topic-goth/faux-skater individuals in this area, but those of this fashion-type seem to utilize this approach almost exclusively. If the door is locked, they will stand just far enough from the door to avoid being hit with it when it opens. Usually. I've seen a few close calls in the last hour or so. When a yanker leaves the bathroom, their heads are held high, and they're usually looking for their friends, probably because they can't wait to talk about the time they IM'd their friend Stacy about the new Kelp Herpes album and how their other friend Holly probably wouldn't get how deep it was, because her mom is a realtor, LOL. Oh, and Kelly is a total bitch.

Waiters: These are shy individuals, the sort of people who instinctively look for a line to stand in. If there's not a line, they'll start one. After a few minutes, they'll work up the courage to try the door, usually finding that it's open. They then slip inside in an embarrassed fashion. When they leave, their eyes are on the floor and they move quickly, as if to disassociate themselves with whatever they left behind.

Swoopers: I almost want to call this group "Drive-Bys", but that's not entirely accurate, since no one is actually killed in the transaction between human and bathroom. Rather, this group's behaviour seems to be based on an ingrained flight response, or aversion to conflict. Your typical swooper will scout the location from a distance before approaching. You can usually see them outside at a table, or maybe standing in line, sneaking surreptitious, split-second looks at the door, craning the neck, quick flicks of the eyes, etc. If they observe that no one has entered or exited the bathroom for a given period of time, they'll suddenly decamp from their observation area and quickly make their way to the door. They'll give it a quick, stiff armed turn, and if it's open, they'll dart inside. If it's locked, they'll turn gracefully around in the same movement and beat a quick retreat back to their observation area. It's fairly graceful, and done with an air of "What? Me? I was just checking out this corner! Looks great! Bye!"

Kids: Your typical kid takes the direct approach. This usually consists of walking purposefully up to the door and cranking the handle. If it's locked, a look of puzzlement will cross the small face, followed quickly by stubborn determination. They then proceed to work the crap out of that handle, many times in quick succession, as if pure rage and willpower will gain them entrance. Of course, many kids fall into the Junior Swooper category, which is the same as the adult counterpart, with the exception of the observation area, generally located in the vicinity of the snacks.

Then of course, there's me. I'm proud to say that I'm in a category of my own: the Belligerent Yanker Swooper. I'll stalk up to the door, scowling, with little skulls floating in a black cloud over my head. I'll give that handle a savage turn, and if it's locked, I'll pound on the door with my fists and yell "Hurry up in there! There's people out here with weak bladders!" And then I'll go hide in a corner and watch to see who comes out and how annoyed they look.

Ain't I a stinker?

Gasoline Hobo vs. Credit Card Company

Due to a cunning investment in an old shopping cart, I have been able to vastly increase my trade in recycled goods. This has allowed me to pay off several credit cards, an unfortunately legacy from my freewheeling days as a venture capitalist back in the dot com days (remember freesporks.com? chocolatesporks.com? iguanasporks.com? no? thus my current situation). Here is an ACTUAL CONVERSATION I had with an unnamed credit card company about an hour ago:

csr: thank you for calling BANK, can i get your account number please?
me: i just entered it into the system.
csr: we don't get that number, sir. can i get your account number?
me: account number blah blah blah.
csr: and what is your mother's maiden name?
me: smith.
csr: and what is your address?
me: (gives address)
csr: so you're not at (old address)?
me: no. i moved.
csr: what is your new address?
me: sigh. (repeats)
csr: and what is your home phone number?
me: i don't have one.
csr: you don't have a home phone?
me: no. i have a cell phone. which i'd like to keep private.
csr: what company do you work for?
me: XXXXX
csr: and do you have a work number?
me: yes, that's private as well.
csr: ok, how can i assist you?
me: this account is paid off, right?
csr: yes.
me: why did you pull $200 from my checking account? i told you to cancel that when i paid off the account.
csr: i need to transfer you to our payments division. one moment please.

*musak*

me: *grumbling* + 2 minutes hold = quiet seething
csr2: thank you for calling BANK, may i have your account number, please?
me: fine. (acct number)
csr2: and what is your mother's maiden name?
me: smith.
csr2: and what is your mailing address?
me: i just gave all of this information. do i really need to give it again?
csr2: yes.
me: fine. (gives address)
csr2: so you're not at (old address)?
me: no, I've moved. i gave the new address to the last associate.
csr2: what is the new address?
me: *long silence* (gives new address)
csr2: and what is your home phone number?
me: i don't have one.
csr2: do you still work for XXXXX?
me: yes.
csr2: and how can i help you today, sir?
me: this account has been paid off, but you're still pulling $200 from my checking account. I'd like a refund, please.
csr2: sure, i can send you a refund check for $189.42.
me: why not $200?
csr2: because $189.42 is the amount available on the account, sir.
me: how is that possible? the account had a zero balance when you pulled the $200. Where did the rest of it go? In fact, why wasn't this cancelled when I called to pay off the account? I asked and was specifically told that it would be.
csr2: i'll need to transfer you to customer service to cancel the draft. one moment please.

*musak*

csr3: thank you for calling BANK, can i help you?
me: wait a second - this was transferred from another associate - they didn't give you the information?
csr3: no sir. can i have your account number, please?
me: fine. (account number)
csr3: and what is your mother's maiden name?
me: smith.
csr3: and can you confirm your address?
me: (gives address)
csr3: so you're no longer at the (old address)?
me: no. i've moved. the new address should have been entered into your system 3 times in the last 10 minutes.
csr3: may i have the new address, please?
me: sure, why not! (new address again)
csr3: thank you. and can i verify your home phone number, please?
me: i don't have one.
csr3: you still work for XXXXX, though?
me: yes.
csr3: thank you! what can i help you with?
me: this account was paid off. i requested at that time that the draft of $200 per month be removed from the account, and it wasn't. i need the draft cancelled, and i need a refund for the $200.
csr3: did you call to cancel the draft 3 days prior to calling to pay off the account?
me: what? why?
csr3: that's our policy, sir - it takes 3 days to cancel any payment arrangement.
me: so let me get this straight. i paid off the account on the 15th of last month. I requested at that time that the draft be cancelled. the draft occurred on the 11th of this month. this is more than 3 days.
csr3: yes sir, but you have to call and cancel it before the account is paid off.
me: fine. can we cancel it now, please?
csr3: certainly sir! is there anything else I can do for you?
me: yes, i'd still kind of like my $200 back, please.
csr3: $200? I'm showing $189.42, sir.
me: yes, but WHY? have you applied finance charges to a credit? i think that might be kinda, you know...illegal.
csr3: well, we could probably charge back the remaining amount...
me: i think that's a great idea. let's do that.
csr3: let me notate the account, and then i'll transfer you to our payments department for the refund. ok?
me: ok, thanks, i appreciate it!
csr3: you're welcome. one moment please.

*musak*

csr3: i have someone from our payments department on the line for you, mr. hobo.
me: thanks!
csr4: hello, mr. hobo. can you verify your mother's maiden name for me, please?
me: smith.
csr4: and can you verify your address?
me: *creeping dread* (gives address)
csr4: so you're not at (old address)?
me: no. i've moved. the new address is (gives address)
csr4: thank you. and what can i do for you, mr. hobo?
me: i'd like a refund for $200, please.
csr4: $200? i can give you a refund for $189.42...
me: the previous associate said that you'd charge back the extra amount, since it shouldn't have been charged in the first place. didn't she note the account?
csr4: no, sorry....i'll need to get my supervisor's approval to charge back the $10.58, sir.
me: fine, i'll hold.
csr4: she's gone until tuesday.
me: ok, so i won't hold.
csr4: i can release the $189.42 today, and you should get it in about 2 weeks, and i can note the account to follow up with my supervisor on tuesday.
me: *defeat* fine, lets do that.
csr4: is there anything else i can do for you?
me: *long silence*. nothing that you'd probably enjoy very much. but thanks anyway.
csr4: have a good day, sir! *click*

Just so you know, I'm assuming that my idea for a SporKids cartoon will be a raging success before I ever see that $10.58.

Guero got Tagged

Aw, crap. Space Nakji just "tagged me", which I guess means that I need to fill out some answers or something bad will happen. Actually, there were no consequences listed, so maybe nothing bad will happen if I ignore it. As tempting as that sounds, I'm fairly certain that with my luck, I'll decide to enroll in Clown College tomorrow (clowns get all the ladies, you know), and i'll be walking down the street in my brand new clown pants when someone will suddenly fling their enraged ferret out the window, and its trajectory will undoubtedely terminate in my pants. So I'm gonna answer, just in case.

1. Ten years ago - For a long answer, see the post immediately preceding this one. For a less melancholy answer, I'll say that I was about two years out of high school, unsure of what to do with myself and my life, and I'm pretty sure I was cranky as hell about that. I was driving my dad's old '83 Blazer 4x4, which was stolen several years later and was found buried up to the axles in mud in a ravine about 20 miles away. Yeah, it kinda sucked. I was also writing letters to Space Nakji, who regaled me with tales about trees and weirdo guitar-playing methods.

2. Five years ago -- I'd just bought a house, and had been living in it for about 3 months. 1000 square feet, built in 1926, creaky floors, backyard, huge garage. It was mostly filled with rabbits. Seriously. They're cool animals, but good lord I'm sick to death of them now. This house was marginally better than the last house, which was rented from the city, which frequently forgot that we lived there and wouldn't accept rent checks from us. That house was surrounded on three sides by fields, which were in turn populated by a choice selection of homeless people. Two of them would get drunk with alarming regularity and start yelling at each other about Nixon and God. Then they'd start hitting each other: "Nixon poisoned the water!" *Thud* "There ain't nothin' in Corinthians about Nixon!" *Thwack* Then they'd start hugging and eventually fall over in dual drunken stupors. It was a lovely thing to wake up to on a Sunday morning.

3. One year ago -- I was having rather serious problems with my marriage, and was looking forward to a trip to Mammoth, away from all the pressures of home and responsibilities and all of that crap. It didn't work. But Mammoth was nice.

4. Yesterday -- Unpacked boxes in my new place, gave the dog (now 9 and change) a shot, hoped she wouldn't have a seizure. Talked to The Girl for about an hour. Hoofed it to the Starbucks across the street (where I am now) for my caffeine and Internets fix, seeing as how my DSL won't be installed for another 2 weeks. Heard an excellent new song from a band called She Wants Revenge. The song is Tear You Apart, and it's not available yet, which annoyed me. I found out they're from the L.A. area, though, so I'll probably get to go to some shows. So yay for that. Oh, and I bought a bunch of shit at the grocery store. Including a SoniCare toothbrush. Which rocks my cock. Or something like that.

5. Today -- Got just about nothing done at work, moved some more stuff, spent a lot of money at Target. I got a microwave, and some towels. and some trash cans. and some other stuff. Talked to The Girl, downloaded three Roald Dahl stories: Matilda, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, and George's Marvelous Medicine. I need quick fun stuff to read. Which reminds me - I need to get my booty over to a book store and pick up copies of The Chronicles of Narnia, The Twits and other that I can't remember. I'll be reading them to The Girl when she comes to visit in two weeks. Which will be very, very nice.

6. Tomorrow -- Gotta get up at 5:45 so I can run a meeting at 7:30. I will eat some breakfast. I also need to go to the Post Office with my Certified Copy of Birth Certificate (I was born at 1:09am) so I can get my passport.

7. Five snacks I enjoy -- hohos, Rancho Doritos, fries, Pringles, chocolate chip macaroons.

8. Five bands -- At the moment, I have quiet a few favorites. Beck, Air, Bob Dylan, Dandy Warhols, Marilyn Manson, David Grey, Foo Fighters, Def Leppard, Felix Da Housecat, Fischerspooner, Massive Attack, Orbital, Radiohead, Rammstein, Scissor Sisters, Tool and Type O Negative. That's more than five, but whatevah.

9. Five things I would do with $100,000,000 -- Pay off my mom's mortgage, fly around the world, donate a shitload to charity, invest the rest.

10. Five locations I’d like to run away to -- Scotland, Iceland, the French countryside (where it is possible to live on bread, wine, cheese and kisses), Portugal/Spain (ha! see how i did that?), and Switzerland, coz it's close to Germany and Italy and France. I'd also like to go to Cypress. And Africa.

11. Five Bad Habits -- Lack of discipline, incessant leg wiggling, not eating healthy, buying too many t-shirts, laziness.

12. Five things I like doing -- Reading, writing, consuming food, watching action movies, being with The Girl.

13. Five T.V. shows I like -- The Daily Show, The Family Guy, The Simpsons, Dead Like Me, Twin Peaks.

14. Famous People I’d like to meet -- Dave Navarro (he just seems like a cool guy), Jesus (I have some questions for that dude), Pope Julius II, Aretino, and Tom Cruise, so I can just smack the crap out of him.

15. Biggest joys at the moment -- Looking forward to seeing The Girl, writing, trying to eat right, watching Buffy and Angel DVDs. Some other stuff.

16. Favorite toys -- Ooops! I'm outta time - Starbucks is kicking me out. Sorry!

A Brief History of Time

10 years ago. Southern California. I was 20 years old, I had long hair, I was painfully thin, and I managed to be both bitter beyond my years and hopeful of overcoming my fears. I was living at my aunt's house, and loathed it. She was still married to my uncle at the time, who she frequently and loudly referred to as "the nicest man in the world", but there was an undercurrent of ugliness in that house. I spent most of the time shut up in my room, trying to avoid things and watching Twin Peaks on cable by candelight.

I was working a job that made me feel ill. It was one of those pyramid scheme deals where the head weirdo would convince suckers to spend their own money to start up a "business" and "hire" idiots like me who would load the merchandise in their cars and attempt to peddle it across the greater Southern California area, with varying degrees of success.

The sucker in this case was the ex-lead singer of a Christian heavy metal band. He drove a gold chop-top Bertone Volvo, of all things. His wife was about 4 feet tall, but her hair took her up to about 5 foot 2. I'm not kidding. They used to get into screaming matches in the office, during which they'd say some decidedly non-christian things to each other. He also had a cute little girl named Faith. She's a teenager now. I hope she's managed to grow up unscarred by her weird-ass parents.

My job was to come into the warehouse-with-an-office-grafted-to-it, get "all fired up" by an obviously well-rehearsed (and poorly written) pep talk, and then load my truck with pictures of whales and dolphins in crappy frames. Which I would then attempt to sell to anyone who happened to think it was a good idea to open a business in a strip mall. It was so horrible that I actually broke down and freaked out at one point and had to call my friend to come and get me. she talked me through it and bought me a taco. Thanks, Girl with Hyphen Issues. ;)

I eventually quit that job for one a little better, and let myself be convinced that I should really marry this girl that I was seeing. It was a mistake, but I did it anyway, and it lasted about 8 years. I guess I wanted something good in my life, something that my parents hadn't been able to give to me, something that I hadn't been able to give myself. I found it for a little while, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't find that until the marriage was over, and I realized that I couldn't expect others to do the work for me. I couldn't rely on the love of someone else to make me happy - I had to do that for myself. It's been incredibly hard, but I'm a much stronger person because of it.

I'm now at a sort of a crossroads, but I can't make out the paths clearly. And you know something? It doesn't really matter. Things have a way of working themselves out. I can't afford to worry about things that haven't happened, or that I have no control over. All I can do is be myself, see where things go, and enjoy what life sends my way. That's enough for me right now, it really is.

Addendum: Speaking of happiness, I was talking with The Girl the other day, and I mentioned that Ravens were my favorite birds. Because they're intelligent, they're big, and because they mate for life. In retrospect, this could have been taken in a way that I did not intend. Ravens are cool and all, but I don't feel compelled to emulate their habits. Except for the whole smashing walnuts on plate glass windows thing. That's pretty cool.