The Hobo Cycle of Sleep

I just read an interesting article about how to wake up without feeling like crap. The basic method is to use two alarms - the first one set at the earliest you'd like to wake up, with the alarm being something soft, like a light tone, or perhaps music. The second alarm should be a regular buzzer set at the latest you want to wake up. This is so you're not actually late if the first one doesn't do the trick for you.

One of the other methods mentioned in the article was a system called the "Wolf Cycle". Rather than do something sane like, i don't know, buying an alarm clock that stabs you in the face, this guy decided that he was going to mimic the behaviour of wolves to regulate his sleeping patterns. This mostly consisted of waking up every fifteen minutes, turning around in a little circle on all fours, and then going back to sleep. For another fifteen minutes. I think that if I tried this method for any length of time, my girlfriend would quickly turn it into the facial stabbing method. Just a hunch.

While these are interesting and possibly effective, I cleave steadfastly to my own methodology. You should try it! The first thing you'll need is some kind of paper bag. A decent hobo is never without several kinds of paper bags in varying degrees of cleanliness. You'll also need something vaguely alcoholic. Aquanet cut with rubbing alcohol is my favorite - cleans out the system something fierce and also burns all the hair out of your nostrils. Put the alcohol in the bag and consume most of it over the course of several hours. Ignore anything large, bat-shaped, and plaid, as it's most likely not really there. Wake up several times over the course of the night screaming about baked beans, or, alternatively, Richard Nixon. You'll wake up feeling like a tiny, tiny baby. Granted, a baby with an axe stuck in his head (and possibly some sort of vestigial limb), but still. It works for me!