The Word "Totally": Vocal Tic or Virus?

A few months ago, a friend of mine started using the word "totally". It was a subtle thing, gradual, insidious. It was just a vocal tic, an innocuous little helper word that got tossed into sentences for added flavor. Like a taco. To carry the metaphor a bit farther, "totally" is like those little bits of diced jalapenos in salsa. They're fine if they're in there, but GOD FORBID if your tongue should actually touch one of the little bastards.

Anyway.

This new usage of the word wasn't alone. There were other verbal hangers-on that came along with it, like lexographical lampreys on the smooth fin of the english language. (Sorry). These included such phrases as "Seriously - you don't even know", "AWESOME", and "Do chickens have talons?" The influence of Napoleon Dynamite was a profound influence in this annoying muddying of decent sentence structure.

I mean, really. What does "totally" add to a sentence?

Example:
"I want to get a tattoo of a beaver on my chest."
"You TOTALLY should!"

or

"This velvet painting of David Hasselhoff is TOTALLY the best thing EVAR!"
"Dude, stop it. I just threw up in my mouth a little."

In the first example, the word "totally" is used to indicate that the speaker is really pretty excited about the idea of the beaver tattoo, and backs it 100%. However, it is also completely unnecessary. Observe:

"I want to get a tattoo of a beaver on my chest."
"You really should!"

See? By replacing the word "totally" with the word "really", we've plucked the inappropriate enthusiasm from the sentence, leaving it both easily understandable and much less annoying. Also, it gives it a slight oakey flavor.

The second example above is a much more serious case on many different levels. Let's deconstruct, shall we? First up is the inclusion of David Hasselhoff in a sentence. The meme that is David Hasselhoff was wrung dry, the last drops of humor squeezed from his shriveled husk sometime around 1997. Yet hacks who think they're funny continue to mine that ancient, puckery crevice for comedy gold. It's not there, people. Move along.

I'm not even going to comment on the velvet painting bit. Amateurish, really.

The use of "totally" in that sentence only adds to the horrific wrongness of the thing. It is meant to convey the strength of the feelings that the speaker has for David Hasselhoff. This is a person who, at the very least, really, really respects David Hasselhoff in a profound, slightly disturbing way. In fact, I would not be surprised if the speaker has a few snips of the man's chest hair in a little glass vial hanging around his neck. Or her neck. Could be a her. I'm just saying is all.

Let's rebuild the sentence and see how it looks with the objectionable content removed:

"This painting of Michael Knight is quite fantastic!"

I think you'll agree that this is a much better sentence. It rolls around in the mouth like a fine wine, hinting delicately of cranberries and asphalt.

So. We've established that the word "totally" does not belong in most sentences. I would also posit that it is more of a virus than a mere vocal tic, as it has the unfortunate ability to creep into otherwise perfectly acceptable sentences, usually without the conscious knowledge of the speaker. Which is exactly what happened to me. Where I would previously have said something along the lines of "Gadzooks, Hortensia, this is a smashing watercress sandwich!", I now say "TOTALLY AWESOME sammich, Horts!" You can see the dilemma.

I am hopeful that this little bit of deconstruction will cure me of the tendency to pepper my conversations with "totally". If not, I'm totally going to stab my friend. IN THE FASE.