A Brief History of Time

10 years ago. Southern California. I was 20 years old, I had long hair, I was painfully thin, and I managed to be both bitter beyond my years and hopeful of overcoming my fears. I was living at my aunt's house, and loathed it. She was still married to my uncle at the time, who she frequently and loudly referred to as "the nicest man in the world", but there was an undercurrent of ugliness in that house. I spent most of the time shut up in my room, trying to avoid things and watching Twin Peaks on cable by candelight.

I was working a job that made me feel ill. It was one of those pyramid scheme deals where the head weirdo would convince suckers to spend their own money to start up a "business" and "hire" idiots like me who would load the merchandise in their cars and attempt to peddle it across the greater Southern California area, with varying degrees of success.

The sucker in this case was the ex-lead singer of a Christian heavy metal band. He drove a gold chop-top Bertone Volvo, of all things. His wife was about 4 feet tall, but her hair took her up to about 5 foot 2. I'm not kidding. They used to get into screaming matches in the office, during which they'd say some decidedly non-christian things to each other. He also had a cute little girl named Faith. She's a teenager now. I hope she's managed to grow up unscarred by her weird-ass parents.

My job was to come into the warehouse-with-an-office-grafted-to-it, get "all fired up" by an obviously well-rehearsed (and poorly written) pep talk, and then load my truck with pictures of whales and dolphins in crappy frames. Which I would then attempt to sell to anyone who happened to think it was a good idea to open a business in a strip mall. It was so horrible that I actually broke down and freaked out at one point and had to call my friend to come and get me. she talked me through it and bought me a taco. Thanks, Girl with Hyphen Issues. ;)

I eventually quit that job for one a little better, and let myself be convinced that I should really marry this girl that I was seeing. It was a mistake, but I did it anyway, and it lasted about 8 years. I guess I wanted something good in my life, something that my parents hadn't been able to give to me, something that I hadn't been able to give myself. I found it for a little while, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't find that until the marriage was over, and I realized that I couldn't expect others to do the work for me. I couldn't rely on the love of someone else to make me happy - I had to do that for myself. It's been incredibly hard, but I'm a much stronger person because of it.

I'm now at a sort of a crossroads, but I can't make out the paths clearly. And you know something? It doesn't really matter. Things have a way of working themselves out. I can't afford to worry about things that haven't happened, or that I have no control over. All I can do is be myself, see where things go, and enjoy what life sends my way. That's enough for me right now, it really is.

Addendum: Speaking of happiness, I was talking with The Girl the other day, and I mentioned that Ravens were my favorite birds. Because they're intelligent, they're big, and because they mate for life. In retrospect, this could have been taken in a way that I did not intend. Ravens are cool and all, but I don't feel compelled to emulate their habits. Except for the whole smashing walnuts on plate glass windows thing. That's pretty cool.