The Moth Effect
Yesterday was my 30th birthday, and the day capped the apex of a year of changes. If there was a curve or orbit to my existence, it picked up significant speed about a year ago. I was still married then, and very unhappy. I had a good job, but no money. I had a house, but no home. I had a beautiful wife, but no love. I found myself wondering what would happen if I simply walked away. Bought a plane ticket to anywhere and just left. Cash out my retirement and just live in Montreal, Lisbon, Prague - hell, even Buffalo. I started seeking out more excuses to spend time away from my life and my problems. Long drives, extended visits to Starbucks, even something as simple as plugging into music and ignoring everything else.
These escapes were my way of dealing with a problem I didn't want to deal with. Subconsciously, I knew what was going on, that I was no longer in love, that I was miserable, that I didn't see any prospects for myself or my future. As I saw it then, my life was a boxcar on a straight track, with no engine in sight.
Then she cheated, and everything changed. She moved out of the house, and I went a little crazy for a while. I knew (KNEW) that things were over, but I didn't want to accept them. I wanted to do anything to get her back. Change my life, throw away even more of my future in a desperate attempt to avoid change. This would have been a mistake, and I'm glad that she rejected my pleas.
I made it through relatively unscathed due to the efforts and mere presence of a very good friend, who took the time to commiserate with me, laugh with me, and to simply Be On My Side. Things would have been very, very bad for me had this person not been there. You know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means the world to me, and everyone should be so lucky.
As a result of the divorce, I'm moving out of my house, and it's becoming bare by degrees. I'll come home from work, and a few more things will be boxed up, or a piece of furniture will be gone, or a print is missing from the wall. The echoes grow as the rooms empty. Strangely enough, the decrease in signs of habitation have let to an increase in the number of moths in the house. Seriously, I found five moths on one my good shirts the other day. I suppose this goes to show that nature really does abhor a vaccuum - voids will be filled one way or another. I just kinda wish she'd picked something other than moths. Like pies.
Speaking of voids, I now find myself both happy and confident with myself for the first time in over 10 years. I feel like I've woken up after a long sleep. You know, one of those deals where you have really weird dreams and leap out of bed immediately upon waking, rip-roaring ready for whatever the day may fling at you. As a result of this feeling, I am now looking forward to a flight to New Orleans on Thursday, to meet a wonderful girl for three days of romance, exploring, and some serious debauchery.
I feel alive and vital again. My bones are singing.
These escapes were my way of dealing with a problem I didn't want to deal with. Subconsciously, I knew what was going on, that I was no longer in love, that I was miserable, that I didn't see any prospects for myself or my future. As I saw it then, my life was a boxcar on a straight track, with no engine in sight.
Then she cheated, and everything changed. She moved out of the house, and I went a little crazy for a while. I knew (KNEW) that things were over, but I didn't want to accept them. I wanted to do anything to get her back. Change my life, throw away even more of my future in a desperate attempt to avoid change. This would have been a mistake, and I'm glad that she rejected my pleas.
I made it through relatively unscathed due to the efforts and mere presence of a very good friend, who took the time to commiserate with me, laugh with me, and to simply Be On My Side. Things would have been very, very bad for me had this person not been there. You know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means the world to me, and everyone should be so lucky.
As a result of the divorce, I'm moving out of my house, and it's becoming bare by degrees. I'll come home from work, and a few more things will be boxed up, or a piece of furniture will be gone, or a print is missing from the wall. The echoes grow as the rooms empty. Strangely enough, the decrease in signs of habitation have let to an increase in the number of moths in the house. Seriously, I found five moths on one my good shirts the other day. I suppose this goes to show that nature really does abhor a vaccuum - voids will be filled one way or another. I just kinda wish she'd picked something other than moths. Like pies.
Speaking of voids, I now find myself both happy and confident with myself for the first time in over 10 years. I feel like I've woken up after a long sleep. You know, one of those deals where you have really weird dreams and leap out of bed immediately upon waking, rip-roaring ready for whatever the day may fling at you. As a result of this feeling, I am now looking forward to a flight to New Orleans on Thursday, to meet a wonderful girl for three days of romance, exploring, and some serious debauchery.
I feel alive and vital again. My bones are singing.
coughed this up at 10:08 PM
1 El Commentos:
That's a hell of a life experience. But if you are happier than you have been in 10 years, then it was probably for the best. Enjoy your 30s, I am.. well kind of!
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